Why It’s So Tough to Grieve in America

“Culturally, America is a terrible place to grieve. American culture and infrastructure devalue and fail to provide the resources, space, time, and normalization needed to grieve,” says Dr. Megan Shen, an Associate Professor at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center and grief expert. Every single person will face grief –through losing a loved one or other forms of loss such as job loss, financial loss, divorce, or miscarriage. This means grief impacts every single American at some point, and often many points, in their life. Approximately 2.5 million people die in America annually, each leaving behind an average of five grieving loved ones. That’s at least 12.5 million grieving individuals a year.

Dr. Shen notes that grieving in America is so tough for two main reasons. First, our culture doesn’t give people enough time and space to grieve properly. Grief is a long process that rarely follows a set path. But we often expect people to feel better and “get back to normal” as little as a day or two after losing someone or something (job, home, relationship) they care about. Secondly, American culture is centered on positive thinking and wellness routines but avoids topics like death and sadness, failing to support those who are grieving. Yet, 68% of Americans report wanting a more open dialogue around grief.

Dr. Shen’s work focuses on addressing our collective experience of grief as individuals, workplaces, and communities. “Americans suffer multiple types of grief – loss of loved one, job loss, loss of team members, miscarriage, divorce – yet there is not a clear and open conversation about how to support grieving individuals better,” she notes. Dr. Shen’s goal is to address grief more directly in the U.S. and provide coaching and support around how to build systems that do this successfully based on the science behind grief. Dr. Shen’s work highlights that when we process our grief, we often become healthier and more resilient versions of ourselves. She speaks, writes, and consults on how to cope with the grief, pain, and challenges we all face.

Dr. Shen recommends three things you can do as someone who is grieving. First, find a community to support you. This can include loved ones to provide practical and emotional support, but it should also include finding those who have faced a similar loss. Second, give yourself permission to go slow and have a non-linear trajectory of healing from grief. Finally, find ways to communicate to those you live and work with on how to help you slowly come back “online” after a loss. This can include being able to work from home, have a flexible schedule, and engage in fewer activities. “We need to shift the culture around grief in America so that we can better support those who are grieving,” she notes.