How Marlene Chism introduces a new future for managing conflict in the workplace

Marlene is known for helping leaders at every level address “the elephant in the room” and initiate conversations that get results. She’s the author of From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading, (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2022). 

Leaders and employees alike view conflict as a problem to be avoided, therefore they mismanage conflict. Chism says “conflict is not the problem: Mismanagement is.” 

Mismanagement is almost always rooted in avoidance, whether it’s moving the problem employee to another department, doing a reorganization,  or allowing the strong performer to get by with bullying behavior because they’re a “rain maker.” 

“Almost every problem that has escalated, from excessive turnover to litigation can be traced back to a conversation that should have happened but didn’t.” Chism said. Avoidance leads to the “us versus them mentality” between front lines and leadership. 

The three primary ways leaders mismanage conflict is through what Chism refers to as the Three A’s: Avoidance, Appeasing, and Aggression. 

Avoiders know they avoid. They admit they don’t have the skills. They don’t know where to start a conversation, or how to avoid distractions or deal with resistance. They admit they don’t like how conflict feels. Many new leaders are simply inexperienced, or they aren’t confident their decisions will be backed by upper management. 

Appeasers identify as “being a nice leader,” and as a result they make promises they can’t keep and agree with ideas they think are unworthy. An Appeaser's identity is wrapped up in being perceived as “nice.”  They want to be  liked, therefore they tell employees what they want to hear instead of engaging in potential conflict. Appeasing almost always leads to a lack of trust. 

Aggressors think they're good at conflict but fail to recognize that aggressiveness is also an avoidance strategy. Because there’s very low conflict capacity, they lack the tolerance for disagreement or negotiation. They don’t have the patience to listen, or the courage to admit they might be wrong.  Employees won’t bring their problems or ideas to an aggressive boss.  

Chism says, “Employees also fall into the Three A’s of avoiding, appeasing and aggression, however it’s up to the leader to set the tone, model the behavior and set the example. 

Chism says, “Most leaders want to be effective at conflict management, but they lack the skills or the conflict capacity. They don’t know where to start a conversation, or what to do if the conversation gets off track. They don’t have the conflict capacity to manage strong emotions, and they aren’t sure their efforts at conflict management will be supported at the top.” 

That’s why Chism authored From Conflict to Courage. “There’s an entire chapter dedicated to understanding conflict capacity, as well as a blueprint for difficult conversations.” Chism teaches leaders how to set the direction of the conversation, identify distractions, determine root cause, overcome resistance, and create a culture of accountability and trust. 

“Skills training alone will not build conflict capacity,” says Chism. Conflict capacity is the combination of three areas: The culture, the outer game, and the inner game. The culture is about behavior from the top to the bottom. The outer-game is the skill-building aspect; learning how to initiate and engage in difficult conversations.  The inner game is about courage and self-awareness to become proficient in conflict management. 

In the end, the reason good leaders who have already had skills training  avoid conflict is because they are conflicted internally. They need to have a difficult conversation, but they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or they believe they shouldn’t have to babysit. Or they can’t tolerate the emotional discomfort that comes with conflict. These signs indicate  the need to work on the inner game. 

 “Working on the inner game is an acquired taste,” says Chism. “You’re never going to win an award or get a certification for building inner fortitude. It’s something you do because you want to excel as a leader. When a leader realizes that conflict starts on the inside, it motivates them to work on the inner game.” 

The big ah-ha for many leaders is realizing that there is no conflict if there’s not an inner conflict first.  Once leaders shift to seeing the employee as capable, they are excited to expand their conflict capacity and coach employees to empowerment.