The worst pizza place is doing drone delivery ... for sandwiches | Opinion

I have terrible news for people who had hoped to avoid being struck by a falling steak-and-mushroom sandwich. 

Papa Johns, a restaurant chain known mainly for selling circular cheesed objects it alleges are pizza, is testing out a drone delivery service in Charlotte, North Carolina. Since we live in an age when most things make no sense, the initial wave of Papa Johns drones will only be able to deliver “Oven Toasted Sandwiches.” I guess our society hasn’t achieved full pizza-delivery drone technology, so we’re left getting sandwiches from a pizza place we didn’t know sold sandwiches.

The bottom line is this: Thanks to technology, the good people of the greater Charlotte metropolitan area can have non-pizza food products delivered in a way that frightens birds and increases the likelihood of seeing a headline that reads, “Local man knocked unconscious in bizarre drone/sandwich mishap.”

Papa Johns, a pizza place, will deliver sandwiches ... by drone?

I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t sunk my teeth into a Papa Johns Chicken Bacon Ranch Oven-Toasted Sandwich and thought, “Boy, this sure would taste better if it had been flown to me in a device I don’t entirely trust.”

The drone delivery company Papa Johns has partnered with is called Wing, and a press release announcing the collaboration included this sentence: “Soon, Wing’s drone network will integrate directly with Papa Johns first-party app and Lou AI, its digital pizza assistant, powered by Google Cloud.”

I don’t know what any of those words mean and, more importantly, I don’t ever want to know what any of those words mean. Please keep all forms of artificial intelligence away from my food. Thank you very much. 

AI and pizza just don't mix. And drones are just not helping matters.

The press release quotes Kevin Vasconi, chief digital and technology officer at Papa Johns: “With our agentic in-app ordering capabilities and Wing’s ultra-fast delivery, we are redefining the entire ordering experience, ending with fresh, hot Papa Johns delivered by drone right to our customers’ homes.”

A couple of things. First, I live in Chicago, and any pizza place that had a “chief digital and technology officer” would be unceremoniously dumped in Lake Michigan before it could sprinkle its first shred of mozzarella. 

Second, “fresh, hot Papa Johns delivered by drone” sounds like a threat one would receive shortly after the robot uprising. NO THANK YOU, DRONE. WE’RE ALL GOOD HERE!

Papa Johns has been struggling, so it sees drone delivery as an answer?

Reuters recently reported that Papa Johns “missed expectations for first-quarter revenue and profit” as “the pizza chain failed to draw diners, especially in ‌its U.S. market.”

So the company seems to think it can draw more customers by bringing in automated flying machines that dogs will likely see as metallic birds of prey. Who doesn’t want their furry friend terror-peeing on the living room carpet each time a Philly Cheesesteak Oven-Toasted Sandwich arrives?

I'll take better pizza, delivered by a human, thank you very much

I would posit that a less gadgety way to attract more customers might be as simple as: Make better pizza. But that’s why I’m not the chief digital and technology officer at a pizza chain.

I’m sure Wing is a great drone company, and I mean no disrespect to them or their flying machines. I just don’t feel we’re ready for swarms of pilotless flying sandwiches, or pizzas, or the things Papa Johns calls pizzas.

We’re still getting used to robot vacuums. One step at a time here, folks.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.