‘Chalance’ is a radical Gen Z dating trend. Can it save modern dating?

Tired of trying to come off cool and aloof on dates? Then you're going to like this trend.

It's called "chalance" − yes, the opposite of "nonchalance." Instead of a care-free, go-with-the-flow, whatever-happens-happens approach to dating, those embracing chalance strive for the opposite. They're openly enthusiastic. They don't hide that they care. They freely yearn. And they put in effort.

Chalant daters take action. They're not afraid to make a reservation or send the first text. They're also transparent. A chalant dater will tell you how they feel, if they want to see you again or if they'd like to respectfully part ways.

The trend is sort of a happy medium between "wildflowering" and "goblintimacy." It's not letting a relationship bloom with no direction, but it's not sharing or expecting too much, too soon either.

Dating experts say the trend offers a much-needed course correction from much of what modern dating has become − namely, situationships, ghosting and other forms of ambiguity.

"We've spent years confusing emotional unavailability with confidence, as if caring less makes you more desirable. ... It takes actual courage to show someone you’re interested, as that requires risk," says Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author of "Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Lasts.". "The hiding behind indifference is weak."

'Chalance' is taking over dating. Is it good or bad?

According to TikTokers, the era of chalance is on the horizon. People say they're over nonchalance and want a partner who is proudly chalant.

For some, chalance has become bigger than just dating, with people striving to bring more enthusiasm and feeling into all areas of their lives, too.

Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and the author of "F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story," says the trend encompasses much of what she's been advocating for years. Instead of trying to appeal to everyone, those embracing chalance, she says, should know their intentionality will turn some people off − and that's a good thing.

"I'm very pro-chalant, and something I've talked to daters about for a long time is that we often date from a perspective of trying to be liked, without thinking about what we actually need, what we actually want and whether the person in front of us is actually in alignment with our needs and goals and values," Hoffman says. "When we date like it's a popularity contest or a social media platform and we're chasing likes, it gets us away from what we ultimately want: to be seen, to be heard, to be loved."

As with many good things in life, it's possible to take chalance too far. Chan says the trend probably isn't for daters who have a problem overworking in their relationships.

But for daters who've been on autopilot for a while now, she says chalance is probably just what they need.

What the rise of 'chalance' says about dating

People have equated aloofness with coolness since long before the internet came around. But in the era of dating apps − essentially another form of social media − the nonchalance with which so many approach dating has gotten out of hand. And it's time to adjust.

"I like chalant, because it is a departure from what I've seen for many, many years, since way before dating apps even, where people would play it too cool. 'Well, I don't want to let them know I'm interested.' 'I might scare somebody off,' " Hoffman says. "People are starting to see that with that approach, especially with the number of options available to people, especially with the increased speed of dating, you will nonchalant yourself out of an opportunity with the right person."

Perhaps what's fueled the rise of chalance, Hoffman adds, is how so many daters are tired of feeling like they have no control over their love lives. Through chalance, daters are, in a deeper sense, reclaiming their agency. Instead of being passive, they're asking themselves, What can I do to find a compatible partner? And how can I make it clear to this person that I'm interested?

"The rise of chalant, to me, shows that people are willing to say, 'OK, where's my part in this?' " Hoffman says. " 'I'm not just going to be a victim to the algorithm. I'm not going to be a victim to gender wars or whatever rhetoric is being pushed out on social media about why dating is so hard today. I'm going to look at what is my part in this and what can I do to move myself towards the life that I want.' And that's a good thing."

And besides... who really finds nonchalance attractive, anyway?

"When you've built real self-worth, a full life and genuine self-love… the hot-and-cold, low-effort, non-committal behavior stops being intriguing and starts being a turn-off," Chan says. "So much of what we've been sold as 'playing hard to get' or 'not showing too much interest' were manipulation games that work on people with low self-worth. People who've done the work see through it."